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高考英语作文评析 (二)

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根据下列内容写一篇描写Jenny的短文。
  Jenny是我们班个子最高的女生。她的眼睛大而明亮,头发像黑色的波浪,鼻子高高的,牙齿雪白。我们选她为班长,并不是因为她是个美丽的姑娘,而是因为她学习好,乐于助人,很有礼貌,并且从不与别人争吵。在运动场上,她奔跑起来却像个男生。
词数:100左右。
参考词汇:qualities素质,quarrel争吵,naughty调皮的
 
学生原文:
  Those who study with Jenny in the same class will remember her as an excellent girl. She is the tallest girl in our class. Her eyes are big (1)。 Her hair makes you think of black sea(2)。 She has a high nose and her white teeth are as snow (3)。 We made her our monitor not only for her fine looks, but also(4)for her good qualities. So (5)she is good at her lessons and ready to help others. She never quarrels with everyone (6) about small things.
  She is good-mannered. But sometimes (7)she is exactly like a naughty boy. How can one forget her if he or she has been with her for quite some time? 人人听力网

习作点评:
(1)要点遗漏,应是“大而亮”。
(2)此处用词不当,应改为waves.
(3)改为Her teeth are as white as snow. as … as 像……一样。
(4)连词错误,用not only …but also与写作要求不符。
(5)上下文无因果关系,So是多余的。
(6)语法错误,句中的never表示否定,此处用anyone更贴切。
(7)表达不具体,读后觉得与前文不符,加上地点状语On the sports ground后,才能表示出她的活泼向上的性格。
  本篇习作语言流畅,句型使用熟练且富于变化。特别是作者注意到了短文的首尾呼应,使短文连贯、完整。在习作中如果能注意推敲文中词句,短文会更加完美。

精品范文:
  Those who study with Jenny in the same class will remember her as an excellent girl. She is the tallest girl in our class. Her eyes are big and bright. She has a high nose and her teeth are as white as snow. We made her our monitor not for her fine looks, but for her good qualities. She is good at her lessons and ready to help others. She never quarrels with anyone about small things.

     She is good-mannered. But on the playground she is like a naughty boy. How can one forget her if he or she has been with her for quite some time?

 

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